Tyler West 110

E.A.R.L.

you never knew me...but I wanted to know you
I revealed this to those I thought I could trust
and they teased me to no end
so it ended before it began

we used to hang out
too young to care
too stupid to stay young
say it with purina

how long did we know eachother
before we met that one night
its so easy to talk online
but its still so hard to talk elsewhere

the first girl i really asked out
the others didn't matter anymore
but i will never matter either
so goes another chapter

DJ

bush=sick

today was just a bad bad day
i woke up and felt like i was about to blow chunks all over the bathroom
i have no idea why i feel so bad...i didn't eat anything weird last night
i'm hoping that it goes away by tomorrow so i can go to class
i could barely pay attention in class today
took a nap after lab, but steel feel extremely nauseous
did do a lot of thinking about how airplane gyros work though...as i passed in and out of sleep

anyway, hope you guys are having a better day than me

Added John Hopkins to the bloglist. Another 1Aer.

The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared
And in your place an empty space
has filled the void behind my face

I just made love with your sweet memory
One thousand times in my head
You said you loved it more than ever
You said
You remain, turned away
Turning further every day

I talked for hours to your wallet photograph
And you just listened
You laughed enchanted by my intellect
Or maybe you didn't
You remain, turned away
Turning further every day

Do you believe what I say now?

super duper

please work

lets see if it worked

new template!
links are up
comments are up

yay!

I accidentally killed my template last night. Grrr. Comments and links will be back soon.

Why is blogger not working?

Let's go away for awhile
you and i
to a strange and distant land
where they speak no word of truth
but we don't understand anyway

=w=

This should not be
Trying to be nice to the last
When the first ignores me

On this coldest of January nights
We drive out past the runway and watch the planes go flying by
The runway lights are the deepest blue like the colors of your eyes
So close them tight and kiss me one last time

-The Ataris

ARGH!

Emotions are a funny thing. They can change your mood from ecstatic to tearful. Doubt sneaks in and ruins the day.

Give me my car and the open road. Something that rarely fails me and I can always fix.

The good old days

I like to reminisce. I love to sit and enjoy my memories. I'm listening to the greatful dead right now. Memories from late nights hanging with Bob, Tammy, Matt, Zach, and Tomislav. Squeeging the floor at work was no fun, but good music and great people made it go by.

I constantly think back to times that I enjoyed. I'm sure i am missing the not so fun parts of those times, but thats how memory is. I keep finding myself saying, "Ah, those were the times." or "The good ol' days." The problem is, I keep looking to the past (as enjoyable as I may think it was) and ignoring the current.

For once in my life, I feel like I'm making a real connection with a member of the opposite sex. But I could be completely wrong. I've thought this before, and spent many late nights agonizing over the realization that I was wrong. I think I reminisce about the good times to avoid thinking about the current. I should be thinking about now and what I can do to make it good. It is so much better to live a good experience than to relive it. I could hang out with this girl all day and not get bored. But I'm not entirely sure what her view on it all is. I wish I knew where this was headed. I wish I knew it was headed where I want it to be headed. That is kind of selfish, I guess. But I just want to avoid more agonizing late nights. Oh well, I won't know until I know. Just need to keep Jeremiah 29:11 at the forefront of things and remember that God's plans are good, even if I don't always understand them.

DJ

1 Year Anniversary

September 9th marked 365 days of the voodoo lounge. I never thought I would make it this far.

I have decided to republish some of the best posts from the first year.

This post from September 9, 2002 about being punk and girls.

Last night four of us bleached our hair, and after four apply, wash, and rinses, I think my hair is evenly de-pigmented. Now I'm wondering why I did it. Yeah, its different and all, but who was I looking to impress? To be honest, I think I just did it because Dan had extra and I was bored. In SLC Punk, some girl asks the main character why he spends so much time and money trying to look punk instead of just being punk. Maybe that is the point I've come to. Bleaching my hair doesn't make me any tougher, it doesn't impress my future employer, and I sure as heck don't want any girl that decides to go out with me just because my hair is lighter. And that brings me to another point, why are girls so obsessed with their weight, even to the point of being unhealthily skinny? I'll be the first to admit that most guys are first attracted to looks, but there is a point where you can lose too much weight. Why not just stay in good shape, and worry about trimming those long unsightly hairs in front of their ears. They look like female sideburns. Not trying to be offensive to any of you girls out there, just observing that women obsess about things guys don't even care about. I'm sure the same thing happens the other way around, and if you girls wanna rant, well that's what comments are for. That about brings it to a close tonight. I've got to go flying tomorrow morning and I want to get some sleep first.

A post-movie October 13, 2002 edition about human relationships.

"If young love is just a game i must have missed the kick-off" -Blink 182

Current song: Offspring - All I Want


Today I watched Spiderman for the second time. Well worth the buck fifty, even the second time around. My only complaint with the movie was the ending, and yet I should like it. If you've seen it, you know the part. Peter can only offer friendship to MJ. What a friggin cop-out. His excuse...the ones he loves always end up getting hurt. So he says he'll always be there for her, but only as a friend, and then he walks away leaving her to cry. Some friend.

And yet, that's the truth about relationships. We all do and say things meaning the best, but human nature overcomes. That's right, everyone is just downright selfish. If the center of a relationship is unselfish love, and humans are naturally selfish, then we have a problem. Nobody wants to get hurt, so we hide our hearts in a ragged bandage of insincerity. Would it just be easier to cut our hearts out and feel nothing? No pain, sorrow, or loneliness. Of course not only do we avoid the bad, we miss out on the good. So that's not really an option, but still we often get the bad end of things. I can't say I've yet experienced the joys of a meaningful relationship with a member of the opposite sex (you know, a girl!). However, the mere idea of spending the rest of my life with someone and sharing every moment with them is just electrifying. But then I think about the risk...and I just don't want to stick my neck out. Its too dangerous.

A short November 5, 2002 post that I should remember more than I do.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11

And this Devember 12, 2002 A-BOMB post. The girl read it and it almost destroyed our friendship. I have since made ammends with the girl. I have moved on. I have realized she wasn't really what I wanted. I'm still upset at my parents for pushing me as hard as they did. This is probably the biggest thing that happened to me in December. I decided to post it, even though its huge and controversial, just because it would be cheating you (my loyal readers) of an insight into my life if I didn't.

This blog is called the restroom stall for a reason...that's where I do most of my non-academic thinking. It was during one of my visits to this center of genius that I realized something serious. If you don't count the short period of time where my friends made me think this girl was uncool, I have had a crush on the same girl for 10 years. Then I remembered how old I was...that's right, I have spent half my life in love with the same girl. Kinda retarded, isn't it? I mean for the first 6 years I was too much of a wuss to even give her a hint that I liked her, so thats ok...or maybe I'm just a psycho. But the last 4 years, she has pretty much known that I liked her. At first she wouldn't tell me that she didn't like me. She just kinda led me on, not being very committal either way. Then she told me she wasn't ready for a boyfriend. Ok, I could deal with that...I'd just wait around until she was ready. For those keeping score at home...I was 19, still hadn't had a girlfriend, and the prospects were not looking good. However, I made myself believe that she really did just want to keep her heart from getting broke. So I waited...and I waited. All my female friends from church, except her, had boyfriends by this time. All my guy friends from church...well that's a really long story that I won't discuss here. Last semester all she did was whine about how there were no guys that she liked that liked her. So this past summer, stupid me decided to talk to her in person about it. I spilled my guts, saying things I was pretty sure she knew, but wanted to make clear anyway. All I asked in return was whether or not she had similiar feelings for me...or might in the near future. She said she might, but again she wanted to guard her heart. I was ecstatic...but I should have replaced the batteries in my bullshit detector. Fast-forward to this fall. It sucked...it sucked long...it sucked hard...and it sucked! She got a boyfriend. I should've known. She was only waiting for the right guy to come along...I just wasn't that guy...and yet she led me on...and I let myself be led on. Fortunately, her brother, who also happens to be a very good friend, broke the news to me. Plus, I had been picking up hints from both of them that she was about to get a boyfriend. So it wasn't much of a surprise...but still I wonder why she asked ME how to tell her parents that she had a boyfriend. Was it her way of telling me to piss off? Does she truly value me as a friend? Does she think I'm gay...and like talking about guys? What the hell was she thinking? Everyone is convinced that we would've made the perfect couple. That only makes it harder. My mom especially thinks we would be great. In fact, I can owe part of my stupidness last summer to her. After pretty much telling my mom that all girls are bad, deceiving, in-it-for-nothing-but-their-own-selfish-desires bitches, my mom convinced me that there may be some girls that are, but surely this one wasn't. Fuck that! That little line of bullshit cost me another year of heartache. Thanks to my mom's suggestions, I ended up spending almost every weekend with this girl, in a group, of course, convincing myself that maybe I did have a chance. After all, even my mom said that I just needed to give her some time and she will see that I'm the one for her. Why did I listen to my mom? What the hell was I thinking? I have spent half of my life pining over this girl...in fact I even believe that God had give me a dream about her, that I would eventually marry her. I was so young and naive back then. I would believe anything as long as it was romantic sounding. Saving yourself for your future spouse. Courtship. Making friends with her parents. Being a gentleman. Being nice. Well the one thing I have learned since I came to college, is that there are always 3 ways of doing things. The way you learn it. The way you're tested. And the way that you do it once you make it in the real world...the way that really works. Folks, this is the real world...or almost...and all that stuff that used to be important...really doesn't matter anymore. It's all BS. Its the way you learn it...not the way that things are actually done. I have yet to figure out how they're actually done...but my guess it involves all the idiots getting the great girls...and all the cool guys getting the shaft.

So back to this girl...what do I do? Keep playing her puppy dog and hope her boyfriend doesn't beat me? Fly up to Kentucky tomorrow, giver her a long, deep kiss and tell her to marry me? Or move on?

What about my parents? How do I tell them that their dream daughter-in-law is never going to make it past the dream stage?

What about God? Where is he in all this? Why, when I thought I was seeking and doing his will...were things so messed up? Life is much easier now. I don't have to worry about being good. Good or bad, the results are the same. We all die unhappy. Or do we? Maybe there is some truth in what we were taught in Sunday school. Oh well, I can only pray that God keeps me alive long enough to be reconciled back to Him.

I have begun to see the error of my ways and am slowly headed back on track. Besides, doing things the wrong way just feels weird.

Thats it for 2002. Stay tuned for 2003.

DJ

Ok, looks like it is time to add someone else to the bloglist. Some psycho pyropinguen keeps leaving comments here. So visit Katy's site today.

We have a new 1A blogger. Todd Feenstra has started his new blog, entitled Interesting and Boring at the Same Time

Umm yeah...so this guy on my floor has started a blog. So read the words of Thad Gassie NOW!

I've avoided this topic for some time, and probably should continue to avoid it. But it's my blog dammit and I need to express my self. I want to be sensitive in this post and avoid pointing fingers. I just want to say what i'm thinking. I think I'm able to do that. I hope.

I used to know a girl. She was cool. She was cute. She was everything a guy says about a girl he likes. I liked her. But, she didn't share the same feelings for me. Looking back on it, I was pretty much an ass...maybe my way of covering up how hurt I was. Who knows. But thats not important now. She said that she wasn't interested in a boyfriend at the moment. Nothing against me. But then she got a boyfriend soon after. Long story short, she no longer has a boyfriend. Now she complains that she can't find a boyfriend. Where am I going with this? I don't buy the first reason...and maybe thats just me being a jackass again, but it just doesn't make sense. What does make sense (considering that no other girl wants to go out with me) is that I have some terrible trait that girls see right away. But having asked this of several friends and family members they all say that there is no such problem. Hmmm. Quite odd. Seriously though, I would like to know why every girl I begin to like starts avoiding me. A word to wise. Don't tell me its nothing personal, just friends, etc... just tell me what is so wrong with me so that I can possibly fix it.