Tyler West 110

Welcome fellow bloggers to the most recent edition of the vlrs. It's been a week and a half since my last post and much has happened.

First of all, I have come down with something nasty. I have spent the last 4 days in my room, in the bathroom, or between the two. I have slept about 2/3 of the time, the other 1/3 I spent doing various other activities. These activites included:

Cooking my roomate alive in what I'm sure was a 100+ room.
Freezing every molecule in my body in that same room, except for when I
Used (not abused) drugs, ane even then I...
Froze for the last hour and a half before the next dose
Checked my email
Checked my voicemail
Checked my temperature
Rested on the couch
Rested on the bed
Rested on the chair

Yeah, so pretty much I did nothing for 4 days, and I'm still exhausted. I do feel a little stronger though, and I think I'm gonna go to class tomorrow.

Second thing, having a blog is not the best way to make everyone happy. Many of my fellow bloggers have already had friends, parents, and other prying individuals read their blogs with disasterous results. Thats not to say I don't want YOU reading my blog. Just remember that not everything you write is a transparent, accurate, and respectful display of your feelings. Here, I say those things that I had the restraint to not say in a different situation. So while we believe we have the freedom to be completely honest on our blogs, that is simply not true. Too many curious people read blogs today. You need not worry about your regulars, they probably wouldn't care if you cussed them out. The ones to worry about are the lurkers, the ones who never comment, the ones who read every single post back to the first tattoo you got. Those are the ones to worry about. Sounds almost like stalkers if you ask me. Maybe I'll leave my credit card number, along with my SSN, birthdate, dna, and the password to the local drug depot in the next post.

AMF

Music: Everclear - Wonderful
Room: Messy
Mood: Lazy
Homework: Not done
Laundry: Dirty
Churches attended today: 0

Today has been an excellent day so far. Of course I've only been up for 2 hours, and have done nothing productive in that time. Sure I have responsibilities, but I don't feel like doing anything. I slept until I finally felt like waking up. I took a long hot shower. I had a bologna sandwich on my couch. I thought about doing my homework, but decided to write a blog entry instead.

In the shower, at some point in my comatose state, I remembered a conversation I had with a friend. It went something like this:

friend: why didn't you say something if it bothered you?
me: I don't know
me: I just figured it wouldn't do any good.

Great conversation, eh? Kind of a cop out answer, and probably not the real reason. It was about the time that I was washing the shampoo out that I realized what the real answer might have been. Could it have been because I wanted my friend to be happy and not be brought down by the fact that what they were doing upset me? It is possible. I don't know. Before I get my halo out, its probably just because I wanted to avoid a confrontation. That seems to fit my character more, doesn't it? Yes, anymore I'm just a shadow of my former self. I've succumbed to the very things that people used to look up to me for not being. Oh well. Tis life. I guess things always hurt more when they're unintentional

AMF

Despite Dang's best attempts to distract me with his "Its Peanut Butter Jelly Time" song, I finally managed to dig something out of my foot. Not quite sure what it was, but it was something black that has been there for a good two years. My surgical tool of choice was the sharp end of a bottle opener. So now the bottom of my foot is torn to shreds, but I have that thing out of it. As long as it doesn't get infected, I am somehow better than I was before I pulled out the pocketknife.

AMF

Today was the longest day of my life...at least this semester. I woke up at 7:30, after not much sleep and was in class till 5:00. I did have a short break for lunch, but then I went right back to class, spending 5 hours in the same building. And after the little sleep that I did get, I was pretty irritable by 5. Some smartass tried to tell me that I should redo my whole lab report in pen. I would've done it in pen, but I didn't have one with me, since I never use them and the ink always freezes when I try. So I told one person to suck it and the other that the teacher had better understand, or else I'd just drop the lab. Probably not the most cordial responses, but at least I didn't kill anyone. Fortunately for me, the teacher was rather understanding about the whole pencil deal. I hope the grader is too. Don't know who the grader is, could be the big brother of one of the guys on our floor. In that case I could just kidnap Thad until his brother gave me a perfect grade on all my lab reports. That would work for me.

AMF

It is Sunday. I, once again, have not gone to church. I wonder if I'm going to hell because of that. Probably not, but it is a problem I need to deal with. SInce I began my temporary Texan residence in 2000, I think I have gone to church a total of 8 times. I know, I know, I'm not setting any attendance records. But I have just had a really hard time finding any church that does not immediately fall into some kind of stereotype. You either have the super ordered southern baptists or the fanatical people slain in the spirit. Not that either of them is normally that bad. But taken to the extremes, which they usually are, they're terrible. ...more later....must eat IHOP

Current music: Weezer-Maladroit CD

I hate it when people read my blog, but don't comment on it. Yesterday, someone came up to me and asked if I was still considering getting the eagle skeleton tattoo. The only way they could've known about it, was if they read the blog. But he failed to say anything about it in the comments section. What a bastard.

Anway, I became inspired the night before I left to go back to school. I was too tired to write though. But I have been back since Monday night and am ready to write.

While cleaning up my room, I came upon a program from my highschool graduation. I played Value Pac's Graduation Day for the ceremony. A punk song with very fitting lyrics. I can remember my mom reading the lyrics. She said she like most of them, but there were a couple of lines she thought may not have been applicable, and wanted to know if thats what I really thought. Although it may not have already come true on June 3, 2000, I believed the song said exactly what I wanted to say, no more, no less. Here are the lyrics:

Today is the greatest day of our young lives
I look back at what I've known for so long
today is the day we leave our past behind
today we say our last goodbyes

memories in the back of my mind
held close by until the day that I die
good luck my friends make it to the end
I wish you all the best until we meet again

i can't believe it seems like yesterday
just kids and now it's time to grow up
that thought makes me feel sick now I want to cry
seperated for the rest of our lives

I don't know why it turned out this way
we always thought things would work out OK
now I see everybody telling me what I must be
when all I want to do is go back in time with you

today is the saddest day of our young lives
today we go our separate ways
the sky's the limit for each one of us
make good with everything you've got

The lines in bold are the ones my mom questioned if I truly thought that way. I admit, I may not have known the full impact back then, but looking back at the past two and half years, that song fit perfectly.

I graduated with two other homeschoolers, but I also had good friends that graduated in 2001, 2002, and will be graduating in 2003

Of the 9 people that I was good friends with when I graduated, I only really know two of them well anymore. My mom didn't like the attitude that graduation was the last goodbye. But if only she could have known. We DID go our separate ways that day. Sometimes I still wish I could just go back to being 16 and 17. But then I remember the friends I have at my new school. Its just a phase we go through. I'm sure when I finally graduate from here, I will no longer see these friends either.

Time to read my Physucks book.

AMF

Here's a tattoo I've been considering. The bird in black with my skin as the background, of course.

It is the beginning of a New Year.

But to me, it means nothing. I will continue doing what I did yesterday. I'm no richer than yesterday, neither am I poorer. After listening to the Cranberries all day, reading Dan's Kari post, and Bethany's Burns post, I am now in a depressed mood. Perhaps it really is true that I am a very depressed individual who needs help. My most standards I should be happy. I'm going to school to fulfill my childhood dream of being a pilot. I have a family that loves me. I've got some really neat friends. My roomate is Dang Olden, nuff said. Without being a spoiled rich kid, I have almost anything I could ask for. I am content, except for one small area. Quite possibly two. Ever since I was 8, maybe even younger I have been crazy about girls. Definitely a good thing. The bad thing: ever since I was 8, girls haven't been too crazy about me. Every relationship I've been in, if any of them could even be called that, has ended before it has even started. Don't get me wrong, most of them were great friends, although a couple of them were purely supeficial, but once I let on that I was interested in more than friends, that was it. Some of them even quit talking to me.

#1. Could have possibly been on of my first good female friends, but I jumped the gun and haven't talked to her in years.
#2. Best friend said she was hot, and so I my testosterone flooded body agreed. However, never went anything past being laughed at and long humiliating car rides with the guy she ultimately went out with.
#3. We could've been great friends if I had just been happy with that. Instead, even our friendship is on rocky ground.
#4. Never let your friend's gf set you up with a girl you don't even know. She was nice enough, but it just wasn't meant to be.
#5. A fellow pilot, and the first girl I really asked out in college. I wish I knew what went wrong.
#6. Who knows what I was thinking. Not my type at all. But it was still fun hanging out.

So there you go. My short list of rejections. Of course that's a 0 out of 6 acceptance rate. Having said that, I've come closer to losing my virginity than most people who are in happy, fulfilling, serious relationships. And yet, it wouldn't fix a thing for me. No, its not sex that I want. At least thats not all I want. No, I want a girl that will lay her head on my shoulder, watch sad movies with me, do spontaneous things at the drop of a hat, be there for me when I'm down, expect me to be there for her when she's down, etc... A true friend, but also more than a friend. Is that too much to ask?

Obviously.

Only 365 more days until I'm at the same place again. I'm guessing I'll get at least two more rejections by 2004, I tend to average 1 a semester ever since I started college.

AMF